So… the other night was a normal night… just like any other night.

Husband… long gone to his graveyard shift.

Kids… Tucked away, dreaming about me bitching in their general directions….

Me… Enjoying my “me” time … sitting in bed, painting my toenails and watching the CPL live streaming 2020

So, I finished my painting and sprawled out on my bed… eagerly taking in my 2nd hour of Degrassi goodness… It had been a good night, I had gotten to watch Cheaters and TMZ …. and now hours upon hours of Degrassi lay ahead.

As the youngsters arrived at the beach, I noticed that along with the sounds of waves and teenage chatter there was also the hum of cricket in the background… A somewhat high-pitched annoying cricket chirp-hum type thing.

I mumbled my displeasure towards the show’s sound techs and turned the volume down… Didn’t want to wake the kids and spoil Kim-time2008… The waves and chit-chat slowly faded away… and the hum-chirp got louder…

W.T.F

Glancing around my room I suddenly came to the horrible realization… These were NOT the hum-chirp sounds of any FAKE cricket….. Oh, NO!!!! This was a REAL cricket… AND it was hanging out IN MY FREAKING ROOM WITH ME!!!

At this point, the hum-chirp was almost shrill in pitch and my head was beginning to spin… I got off the bed and headed to the door….. not really sure WHY…. I think I was going to the bathroom to cry in a corner and hide away from any evil high pitched crickets that had decided I needed a room-mate.

As I reached to open my bedroom door the cricket flung itself from it’s hiding spot and ricocheted off all 4 walls about 7 times. I just stood there with my hands somewhat blocking my face…. wide-eyed as it torpedoed around my room. It finally came to a stop on my bed. We both stood there, motionless… staring at each other. I suddenly realized that it was going to be me vs. this 23-foot cricket. I slowly leaned in closer for a better look at the beast. There was no fear in his eyes. I inched backward and he began his attack again…. zip, zip, zip, zip… I ducked my head down and muffled my flustered squeal… I glanced back up just in time to see it fling itself towards whirling ceiling fan… The fan then put Mr. Monster-Cricket to the wall behind my head. Down I went, again.

Somehow Mr. M.C landed on my dresser… I swooped in and grabbed him with 2 fingers. This, my friends, is when Mr. M.C. lost his ever-Buggin MIND!!!

I’m not sure if crickets have teeth, but I think this arse-hole bug tried to bite my finger off… so I did what any fearless bug-catching warrior would do… I freaked out and dropped him.

Once again he was sitting on my bed. I momentarily played with the idea of letting him just HAVE the bed… I mean… I GUESS I could sleep on the floor.. maybe he’d let me get a pillow of the bed or something…..

Oh, Hell, No!!!

I swiftly grabbed a T-shirt off the dresser, flung it, Matrix-Style, around Mr. M.C. Clutching the T’shirt tightly closed I ran for the front door, flung it open and shook the shirt violently towards the lawn.

It’s been 2 days now… I haven’t heard from or seen Mr. M.C since our little fall-out. It’s probably for the best though.